Gaze

This morning I saw a little glimpse of heaven. I stood back like you do when you’re looking for that hidden image in those weird posters that no one has actually ever bought but we’ve all stared at awkwardly at some point in our lives.   You relax your eyes, and let them gaze freely until you see an image that you could not of seen without stopping for that moment.  Well, I did that this morning while watching my boys on the playground before school. I looked around and saw the beauty of children laughing and playing and running around innocently.  And for that moment, there were no tears, no pain, no fear, just pure joy.  It was beautiful. It made me long for that day I’ll be like them again, running free with my Maker, with no more pain, no more tears. Sure, I could have looked closer and heard mean words, or grieved over the home life of some of these children, but I chose to capture that moment for the beauty God was showing me. 

I think God always gives us the option of seeing things through the lens of hope or disparity.  He provides the opportunity for hope in those moments of clarity where we are not distracted by what isn’t, but focused on what is, if we fix our gaze on Him.  Psalm 27:13 says “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  Not only when we are face to face someday, but here and now, on this earth in this time. The next verse reinforces that with encouragement of what to do while we wait to see the goodness of the Lord, “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart; wait I say on the Lord!”  Notice it does not say wait on the Lord to change your situation, to change the people in your life, or to make everything good.  It does say he will strengthen your heart and give you courage, so that you can endure and persevere.

How do we do that when life is so big, and so real, and pain is tangible? Moment by moment, look for his grace, his rest, his beauty.  It’s there.  In Psalm 13, David is despairing and wondering where the Lord has gone. He cries out the whole Psalm until one pivotal moment, he uses the word “BUT” and changes his gaze from the problem, to the Lord, instantly he is relieved and his hope is restored. Eyes off the problem and onto the Lord. Do I believe in magical formulas to give us a better life today? Maybe just this one. Eyes off problem onto the Lord.

Revelation 21:4

4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

It's the little things...

I know my homeschool mom friends have some questions about this public school journey, so here's some random observations.

No, my patience is not multiplied because I see the boys less during the day.  Our evenings can be intense with about an hour of homework each day and reading.  They get home at four, we do homework, dinner, and hangout before baths and bed.  It's fast and furious for those 4 hours, in some ways I feel I'm fitting in what we used to do all day into that time frame.  Crazy I know.  I also feel they could go to school for a shorter period and learn the same amount if they tried, but who am I to say?
I am trying to get my chores done and dinner prepped for the most part so I have that intentional connection I'm missing with them while they're home. This usually means cleaning up dinner and packing lunches after they go to bed.  That's why I don't blog at night, I'M EXHAUSTED!

Am I getting so much done now? Yes, and no.  I am able to get a lot done, but I feel like I'm catching up on 5 years of neglected things.

Yes the boys have picked up on subtle "crude" talk, but I'm convinced this would of happened anyway, at the park, at church, where ever.  I don't desire to shelter my children, I want to teach them as we walk this life together.  A very wise friend of mine, who's boys are in high school and college, comforted me with this nugget of wisdom: "The heart is the same. Whether you homeschool, christian school, or go public.  You might delay the losing of innocence and revealing their sinful hearts, but only delay, not avoid. Because the heart is the same."  Thank you for that.

God confirmed that when he allowed my boys to hear about sex the first time before they even started school.  I saw this as God's grace to me.  Why? Because now I won't have to feel guilty for sending them to public school vs. homeschool when they hear crazy things (for kids) because it started before they even entered Kindergarten!  So, I know it's crazy but I was thankful we walked through that initial chat before school started. I know there will be many more conversations, I'm thankful to have a husband that takes pride in raising his boys actively, not on the sidelines.

One of my proud mom moments that I want to remember is last week.  Zek had a crazy observation at the breakfast table the other day, "My friend said he didn't know God but how can that be true if he just said it?"  This kid is an old soul in a 5 year old body.  To reason out how someone can talk or comprehend a God they don't believe in, and still not believe, was unfathomable to him. Smart kid. Good question.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask!

New season calls for a new blog!

I’m starting this blog because I love to write.  I don’t love to write after 8pm at night, and that’s been my main availability over the last 5 years.  I’m just tired at that time, and I like to relax and zone out for a bit.  But these thoughts swirling in my head, and these memories of our journey need a permanent home.  And they need to encourage some of you.  So here starts the new chapter of our little family journey.  We have 5 year old twin boys, and a beautiful, bouncing baby girl who is 10 months old.  The “we” in this picture is my fabulous, sexy husband, yes I said sexy, and myself. I am a stay at home mom and I thank God my husband values my job and works hard to allow me to do it. 

Where are my children now you ask as I sit at the computer eating my bon bons…?  Well up until 2 weeks ago they would have been running around and I would not be sitting, but now they are in kindergarten!  It’s big.  And the baby is sleeping of course.  This change has been so strange for all of us.  In some ways it feels as though our previously full speed ahead pace has come to a halt, but only between the hours of 9-3, then it feels full speed ahead again except at warp speed, because the days fly by when you do something EVERY. DAY.  

So, am I enjoying the quiet, yes.  Do I miss my boys, yes.  Do I feel guilty, yes, but the emotion tied to that guilt is fading a bit with each new day.  The guilt is related to the decision to do public school over homeschool, or partial homeschool.  

I wrestled for at least a year with the decision of school for my twin boys.  It seemed like such a big decision, especially since there’s two starting school.  In parenting twins, every stage is intensified, the good and hard stages. BECAUSE THERE’S TWO. I looked at charter schools, private, homeschool, partial home/private schools.  Before I had my sweet baby girl 10 months ago, I had imagined working at the school I wanted to send them to to be close to them.  But all of those options seemed to have a reason they just weren’t right.

When public school started to move to the front of the list, I felt God confirming that direction.  The reasons were mainly to meet other families in our community beyond our immediate neighbors, and to get our kids out of the bubble we had created for them these past five years.  

And we are doing just that.  We are watching our teaching from the last 5 years begin to unfold as our children attend kindergarten at public elementary school.  It is interesting at the least, and motivating at best.  Interesting to see how they have translated what’s been taught, and motivating to smooth out the areas that are causing problems.

With kids the boundaries of rules and religion are black and white.  You broke that rule, I’ll tell on you, regardless of if the rule at hand was related to religion, that is the beauty of childlike faith.  For them, God just is, not maybe, not to me and my family, but just is.  The particular rule that was broken in this instance (2 day of school), is taking the Lords name in vain.  “Oh my God” is the repeated phrase that led my son Ben to tell the teacher on his classmate.  It wasn’t just once, it was the repeated, continual use of the phrase that led my son to take action.  The little boy he had told on earlier in the day screamed across the path as he walked with his grandma after school, “You ruined my whole day Benjamin!!” Big words and emotion from such a cute little guy.  So I ask my Ben, “Son, what happened today that is making him say that?”  He tells me the story as the boys grandma approaches in a sort of upset, uncertain tone, “What is going on here?!”  So I explain, “Ben was bothered by him saying “Oh my God” a lot and he told on him.  We are working on understanding that people have different rules, and he did not mean to hurt his feelings.” The grandma was relieved, and said thanks for being understanding, and that they are working on things too.  Ben then apologized and asked forgiveness for hurting his feelings.  And peace was restored.  Day number 2.

Now as parents, we are beginning unravel this tangled web of being in the world but not of the world.  Walking our children through the world while upholding the values we have established at home.  Not minimizing our religion, while yet maintaining peace with others that do not hold to those beliefs.    Learning how to love others, who do not love you.  Or maybe they do love you, they just don’t love God.  That’s something I’ve seen lately as well, lots of nice people, doing nice things, being good people, they just don’t love God.  YET.  I’ve been challenged to work out my own theology every day with these little confrontations we are being faced with.  I know the day will come when bigger issues will arrive at our dinner table, right now I’m thankful for the warm up.  

In my own life, I am grappling to explain the heart of the gospel, the good news that is not about following the rules, but rather our need for a Savior.  I’m seeing that in order to maintain relationships with unbelievers, in hopes that they might see God, we must show love and wait on the Lord to begin stirring in their hearts.  There's a time to speak for sure, but teaching my boys to love people and not rules is lesson number 1 right now.  It's tricky I tell you.

My Benjamin has wanted me to meet the other parents picking up their kindergarteners each day after school.  Initially I thought it was to arrange a playdate or something and I was a tiny bit irritated that he was being SO pushy about this.  But yesterday I did go meet a mom of a boy who has become friends with both my boys.  She was nice, it was brief, I said in closing, “Nice to meet you, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you often.”  The moment we walked away, Ben said, “You need to talk to her more!! You need to talk to her about God!”  Oh, I see now the heart of my boy.  Everyday the boys are coming home and talking about their conversations with other kids about knowing God.  And who knows God and who doesn’t, and wondering if their teachers do and if they can ask them.  They are out on they front lines and Ben was calling me to join them there.  And if you know my passionate Ben, the unsaid tone in his voice was “Why the heck didn’t you tell her about God!!”